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Did I get what cowards deserve?

Did I deserve it? I mean, I was a coward and I took time for granted. I never got to say I forgive you. I played it off but I had a grudge. Vince was laid to rest today and I was humbled. My excuse for not crying was that we never really had a father son relationship and this was basically my attitude when I became old enough to fend for myself.

We caught the same bus in the mornings back when I went to D.W Davis. I knew it was him but still wasn’t quite sure it was him. His white and blue Majestic Tours uniform confirmed it. It was the same bus, at the same time for weeks. There was even a point when a group of kids from C.C. Sweeting ripped my pocket off and ran off with my lunch money. He just stood there. Why wont he acknowledge me? His own son. This was my grudge and I never shared this openly until now.

The bravest man in the universe is the one who has forgiven first.

–Bobby Womack

I had no male bonding with my father. I needed him in my life? I turned out fine…I hope and I vowed never to be like him. I watched my mother struggle with Vincent, Marvis and Me. He missed the most critical part of my life. I was bitter but played it off. How could Vince and Marvis act like everything’s cool like they were not suffering from the exact same thing. At family functions they’re all up under him, “Daddy, Daddy,” but I would never call him that. He didn’t deserve it.

Many times he tried to atone for how he treated us in the past and it reflected in his actions with his grand kids who affectionately called him Papa. They were his pride and joy. Bitter still, my question was always, “Ya think he played with me like that?” I was so immature that it blinded me from picking upon the subtle hints that he was reaching out to me. Even though I vowed that I would never be like him, I have many of his traits especially the obvious nose, but I’m speaking about the inability to express how I honestly felt. “Why should I forgive you when you never asked for forgiveness?”

He was in and out of the hospital many times. This was nothing new. Maybe I took this for granted. Taxi #266 was a proud man and seemed proud of his 13 kids. You could see it in his eyes especially when he learned of our accomplishments. He knew his time with us would be shortened and he attempted to reach out to us even more. I was still bitter none the less.

April 9 this month, Vince slipped away. I was on my way back from Orlando to see what the commotion in our whatsapp group was about. “He gone yal,” Vardo confirmed. That was a blunt shocker. He always gets better, how could this be so? I missed him by a few hours. The last time I saw him was in Meat Max shopping as normal. Why was this bothering me? Its not like we ever had a real relationship or anything. I had an attitude as if though his death meant nothing to me and I would be the strong one, a shoulder for my sisters to cry on.

Today at his funeral, I was introduced to the real “Vince” the father I never knew. I had made a mistake…a huge mistake. There is no way that I could go back and change. I realized that it wasn’t him who didn’t want a relationship with me. Instead, I didn’t want a relationship with him. I had countless opportunities to make amend and accept the fact that he was not a perfect man but it was too late. Marvis and Vince and lots of opportunity and they took advantage of them. I held firm throughout the eulogy but shed tears after I carried his casket. These were not tears of grief. These were tears of regret and regret is the heaviest load anybody can carry. I never got to say, “I forgive you Daddy.” I was a coward filled with pride and is its this pride that cost me an opportunity to heal. So I’m declaring publicly that I forgive you Vince. I’m happy that you made peace with the Creator. Until we meet again, this is my tribute. “How to SWING People.”

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